im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
