Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
