Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Someone shit on the floor
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
ttyl tear gas
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize