I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
