You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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