dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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