It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
