You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
