I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We got so high we made milksteak
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
