First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He? As in you personified your dick?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
