i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
