You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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