Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
