apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
