There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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