why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
