Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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