I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
