i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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