i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
