guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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