why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
