my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
