Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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