For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
