I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My cat gives me a boner
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
