so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
