I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
