i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
a search helicopter?!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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