And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
