Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
