You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
