why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
