his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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