i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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