i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
