how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
