she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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