Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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