just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
