I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize