3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
