I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
