I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
