the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
