You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
