It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
