i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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