I need to stop coming to work sober
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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