the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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