his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
