Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Vodka?
Forever.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
