yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
