Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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