I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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