she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
