At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
