My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
