If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
