i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
