ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
