Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
