I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
