Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize