I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
