I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
