just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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