Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
