I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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